Twas the Night Before Fairy Tale
by Bluemoonalto
Summary: or A Visit from Princess Gwen. Epic recap of the Fairy Tale episode in rhyming couplets.
1. Chapter 1

**Twas The Night Before Fairy Tale, or**  
**a Visit from Princess Gwen  
**_by: Bluemoonalto_

_Note: If you aren't already a _Monkees_' fan, you probably found this because you used to read my _Danny Phantom_ stories from several years ago. Or my _Due South_ stories from a decade ago. If that's the case... Hi! Nice to see you again. If you once enjoyed _The Ultimate Limerick_, or _The Epic Limerick from Heck_, go do a search for "Monkees Fairy Tale" and watch the episode. You can thank me later. _

**_Prologue_**

Abandon the format, and have no regret,  
this episode's the most unusual yet.  
Four friends in the village of Avon-on-Calling,  
a visiting princess with manners appalling;  
the sets are all cardboard, the princess is male—  
A rhyming recap, just for fun. **_Fairy Tale!_**

As cast and crew labored throughout season two,  
_The Monkees _must struggle to stay fresh and new.  
The series weighed down in its fixed incarnation,  
they opened their minds to experimentation.  
A weird episode, just to show they could do it—  
perhaps NBC would decide to renew it!

"So what if it's not about kids of today?  
And what if we toss the whole premise away?  
And use our four actors in eight or nine roles?  
And fashion a script that is full of plot holes?  
And shoot on a set that's essentially bare?  
And spring this surprise on the fans unaware?

It wouldn't have made an impression so lasting  
to use the same script with conventional casting.  
So Mike volunteered to appear in it twice,  
to give the odd story some gender-bent spice.  
The standards all broken, the rule book ignored,  
and Peter thinks Mike earned an Emmy Award.

**_Teaser_**

The trumpeter blows, and then makes introductions,  
those four groovy actors from Raybert Productions:  
a tailor, shoemaker, innkeeper—and Peter,  
who worships the princess and longs just to meet her.  
He can't get the fantasy out of his mind.  
(Have you _seen_ the princess? I guess love _is_ blind.)

"Oh, hark! Are those horses we happen to hear?"  
(I think Davy just stabbed himself in the ear.)  
The princess's carriage is stuck in the mud;  
the horses can't shift it, and _she's_ out for blood.

_**Opening Credits **_

_**(and Disclaimers)**_

___I wanted to summarize plot points concisely,  
But dialogue won't work in rhyme—not precisely.  
I'll paraphrase here; do forgive me for straying  
too far from the words that the actors were saying._

_I don't own the episode, don't own the series!  
__(All of you lawyers, just send me your queries.)  
__Pete Meyerson wrote it and Raybert produced it;  
__to humorous poetry, I've now reduced it._

_My income for doing so? Not one thin dime!  
__A boost to my weird reputation for rhyme.  
__And if you've enjoyed it, then do let me know,  
__your feedback's the sole profit I'll ever show. _

_To be continued..._


	2. Chapter 2

"I really must say, what a great looking chick!  
That body! Those sideburns! Just look at her, Mick!"

"You're eager to serve me, you penniless swine?  
Get down in the mud, and I'll honor your spine!"  
"I'd charge you a toll after you get across—  
but for traffic official, I'll just take the loss."

"'Twill take us some time to get moving, my dear."  
"Oh, 'twill it? That's not what I'm longing to hear.  
**_Get me out of here now_**, or we won't tie the knot!"  
("Those two star-crossed lovers of Shakespeare, they're not.")

"No, that is not grovel, it's tile of concrete."  
"Fetch wine, a dessert, and some spinach and meat!"  
"This inn is too poor to supply all that stuff."  
"Then send out for sandwiches, 'twill be enough."

Observe how the knights are both stuffing their faces;  
I'm not seeing much that I'd call 'courtly graces.'  
"Take Gwen to the tower, then torture and kill her!"  
But Wait! Peter's listening there, by that pillar.

"My princess! My princess!" "My bridge!" "I have news—  
Oh well, here I am again, down in the ooze."  
"Here's food for the princess. Nice seeing you're back!"  
"I wish I could say that it's nice to _be_ back."

"Now wait just a minute! Let no man e'er say  
that a favor so small I would fail to repay.  
Here, take this—it's junk." "I am not worth the price."  
"I'm hip! Wear it anyway. Makes you look nice."

"It's treachery! Harold is faking his ardor!  
He'll get an im**P**ervious dragon to guard her."  
"Then what will you do, now that she has gone missing?"  
"I'll just have to settle for fond reminiscing."

"What's that 'round your neck?" "Oh, it's just made of tin."  
(Well, whaddaya know? There's a fairy within!)  
"Please call me back later—I'm doing my hair."  
"But if we don't save her, Gwen won't have a prayer!"

"This Gwen—she's the one who is always complaining?  
Conceited, with sneer that is proud and disdaining?  
Whose selfish assertiveness rudely rejects us?  
Long hair, raspy voice—and the accent from Texas?"


	3. Chapter 3

"Her life's on the ball, this is what you should do:  
First, Michael, you cobble a wall-climbing shoe;  
and Davy, chain mail that will take some abuse,  
and Micky: a sword sure would be of some use."

"Then what should I do?" asked young Peter, annoyed.  
"While they are all working, you'll be unemployed.  
But when they are finished, you'll go to the tower,  
and rescue the princess in your finest hour.  
Be careful! Don't drop, crush or damage the locket;  
that trinket's my home, and I might kick the bucket."

So Davy sent Peter a suit through the mail,  
(or something like that). And then Mike tapped a nail  
in the heel of a shoe that can scale any height,  
and Mick forged a blade that is fit for a knight.  
He then tried it on, and if I may be crass,  
that magical sword went and sliced Micky's… _hip_.

And now, our brave Peter is dressed to amuse:  
Chain mail, magic sword, and those brown-and-white shoes.

"Don't think that you've won, Harold, don't laugh with glee;  
a hero will come, soon, and then I'll be free."  
"Oh? Who will be coming? This news may surprise you:  
The army, the clergy and people despise you."

"Why me? Gwen is no longer one of my faves.  
The army should save her." "Hey Pete—don't make waves."

"Tra-la and tra-lee, to my grandma's I'm going!"  
"I can't let you walk into danger, unknowing.  
The wolf ate your grandma—he'll eat you too, soon."  
"Yeah, sure. And the cow will jump over the moon."

"Sir Peter of Tork might not live to tomorrow.  
Let us all seek some comfort, this hour of sorrow."

"No, Hansel, let's not eat that house-shaped confection;  
the sweets aren't good for my milky complexion."

"Steal porridge from bears? Yeah, I'll give it a whirl.  
Don't worry 'bout me—I'm a _**mean**_ little girl."

"I'm roaring to show I'm a moat-guarding dragon!"  
"My sword's made with magic, and that's not just braggin'."  
"Oh, put that away! I won't kill you, don't fear."  
"I really must say, that's refreshing to hear."

"What manner of creature would have, so I'm told,  
two eyes and two ears and won't live to grow old?  
Now answer my riddle! Be clear, and don't bluff!"  
"I really don't know!" "Oh well, that's close enough.

He's all yours, now, Richard! By all means, attack!"  
(It's time for commercials, so let's fade to black.)


	4. Chapter 4

_**Act Two**_

Sir Richard used every weapon in town,  
but Peter just smiled—visor up, visor down.

"Languishing, languishing, cell lighted dimly;  
**Get me out of here, now**!" So said Gwen—and not primly.  
Please don't give up hope, Gwen, I'm coming to save you!"  
"Well, use the back entrance, you servant-class knave, you."

"Just climb through the window, and you will be free."  
"Oh, not a chance, buster! I'm phobic, you see.  
"A fall from this height—the results would be tragic."  
"You've nothing to fear, for this locket is magic!"  
"I wouldn't have given you that. 'Twas a loaner!  
So hand it back now, because _I_ am its owner."

"Now grab them, Sir Richard, let evil prevail!"  
"There's no need to fight, they're already in jail."

"My sword's stuck! Gwen, give me the locket back, please!  
I need it to give me combat expertise."  
"You'll fight with a _locket_? You might as well dance  
to the season of spring. No sirree, not a chance."

"Your death by slow torture is long overdue."  
"You realize, Harold, that we are tha-rough."

The weeping Town Crier delivered the news  
that Peter (of Tork) has the "Death Sentence Blues."  
"I've a plan to find Peter: Let's split up in thirds,  
leave a trail made of crumbs, and then follow the birds."

"Hey! Little Red Riding Hood! Where are you going?"  
"To Grandma's." "Oh dear! Then perhaps you weren't knowing  
the wolf—the big, bad one—has killed grandma, dead."  
"That's true. I'll be visiting _Dad's_ Mom, instead."

"Two bears in pursuit! Oh, my prospects are grim.  
But Papa Bear hoped I would stay there with him."

"What manner of creature would have, so I'm told,  
six eyes and six ears and won't live to grow old?  
Now answer my riddle—no time to discuss!"  
"That's three stupid peasants. (I guess that'd be _us_.)"


	5. Chapter 5

"Throw Gwen off the parapet, into the ditch!"  
"You dingbat! Now who's gonna care for my fish?"

This is a good time for the friends to arrive  
with weapons—I think Pete and Gwen might survive.  
"Hey, Micky! And Davy, and Pete—um, no—Mike!"  
"'Tis no place for women, so Gwen, take a hike."

The battle is joined. Harold chortles with glee,  
while Gwen shrieks. "It's certainly no place for me!"  
Without the tin locket, Pete's magic has fled—  
He can't draw his sword, so it's daggers instead.

Then Davy said, "Everyone fight—don't you shirk!  
I'm sick of contributing all of the work."  
Said Micky, "The locket should stop this attack!"  
Pete answered, "Her Highness made me give it back."  
"You're darned right, I took it. It's true, yes indeedy,  
That magical locket is _mine_, and I'm greedy."

It turns out that Peter and Harold aren't fans  
of violence, so they'll just fight with their hands.

"Oh, isn't that groovy? Defending my honor!  
But that hairy weirdo now looks like a goner.  
All right, if you're going to lose, here's the locket."  
"Hooray for our side! In the Win column, chalk it."

"My goodness! A bitter defeat nearly tasted—  
I'm sure glad we won, 'cause I could have been wasted.

"You kidnapped and threatened your own fiancée.  
A good explanation should now come my way."  
"I hate you. Despise you. Don't want to live with you."  
"You're stupid, to think I would ever forgive you.

"Now Peter—your wish will be granted," Gwen said.  
But Peter replied, "I'm too young to be wed."  
(I wonder why that line engendered such laughter?)  
"Then marry me, Gwen, we'll have joy ever after!"

They broke the fourth wall beyond hope of repair  
the minute the princess removed her blonde hair.  
The hand of the princess can never be won;  
he already has both a wife and a son.

And so ends the story of Gwen and the Fairy.  
"Save Chickens from Texas who Live on the Prairie!"  
The guys said goodbye, but they got their names wrong,  
and then did a spoof of their famous theme song.

_Almost there... wait for it...  
_


	6. Chapter 6

_**The Tag**_

"So Michael, did we see your feminine side?"  
Mike took a deep breath and then drolly replied,  
"I refuse to acknowledge that's something I'd do."  
"Would Christian enjoy it?" "The same as a Jew."  
Young Davy's quite proud of his cross-dressing mettle:  
"How would you describe it?" "The word would be _Gretel_."

A musical interlude caps it off rightly.  
A black-and-white video of _Daily Nightly_.

See Micky freak out with his new synthesizer,  
while Michael sits motionless, there on the riser,  
and Davy "plays drums" while he's looking quite fetching,  
and Pete's doing yoga, or maybe just stretching.

The lyrics remember the Sunset Strip riot;  
with questions—no answers—and then, all is quiet.  
As Micky looks up with expression angelic,  
what more can he say? Only this: "Psychedelic."

_I hope I was able to bring you some pleasure;  
if so, let me know—it's your comments I treasure.  
I write about episodes, most of the time  
with humorous comments, though seldom in rhyme.  
There's a site where I post my reviews with aplomb.  
Check it out: bluemoonalto dot tumblr dot com. _


End file.
